“I’ve never fooled anyone. I’ve let people fool themselves. They didn’t bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn’t argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn’t.” ― Marilyn Monroe
It’s not like I didn’t know it was going to happen.
I mean, we all come undone at some point. The unravelling. Some see it as a shedding of skin, growth. As if we are just too big for what life in store for us. It happens to everyone, whether they admit it or not. And so this is where I find myself. In motherhood and in life, wondering who it is I am becoming.
My yoga practice tells me to sit with it, to be still. To let my heart and soul speak in those in-between pauses of life. Life tells me, “do or do not. there is no try.” As if Yoda is my personal guide. How do we become undone when there are children to take care of, a house hold to run, relationships to nourish, and self care to be done? I think the answer has more to do with the last bit than anything else. That self care, so ominous in nature. Looming overhead as if we even know what it means to care for a body, mind, and soul. We do know of course. We just don’t always take steps in those directions.
Holding space for falling apart can be done in solitude or with our closest friends. Allowing vulnerability to be shown ever to ourselves can be a gift. Seeing ourselves as we are, in any given moment and then asking what do I truly need?
eating fracking salad
to paint, draw, or mold some clay
to be still
Coming undone is hard, but what is harder is not allowing yourself to grow or change. Life is just these things: growth and change. To not accept them is to deny your life. Today I will let myself be vulnerable and raw. I may cry in front of the children, because tears happen. I will cherish our laughter and hugs. And I will do my damnedest to be more myself than I was yesterday. I will lean into the growth. I will make space for what it is that I crave. I will stare at the night sky and remember that I am not a drop in the ocean, but the ocean in a drop. That the world need my magic. The world needs me. And the world needs you.